I'm an eBay addict

How cute is this diaper bag? There are a bunch of handmade bags on eBay I could use as diaper bags. I've been browsing ones made with fabrics I like (this one has Amy Butler fabrics). I'm really tempted to bid on this one but I will have to wait to see if I have a girl!



Edit: I found some even cuter bags, too--ones I can have custom embroidered with the baby's name. Oh I can barely wait! I've been having some contractions tonight (Sunday) for a couple of hours, but they are pretty far apart and not very painful, so it's probably nothing.

God's hand

Most of what I post--in general and specifically about Nate and his development--is factual, practical, things I'm working through in my head. One of the main reasons for that is this blog is mainly for the benefit of family and friends who don't live close by, and they like to stay informed about what's going on with us. I don't do a lot of relating what's going on in our everyday lives to their spiritual implications. In general, I'm not that kind of thinker I guess. But I do definitely think about and see God's hand working in our circumstances, specifically the things we've been learning about Nate.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether...

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well...
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them." (Psalm 139:1-4, 13-16)

God intimately understands every fleeting thought I have. He knows me fully. To me, that is comfort. I don't have to be able to explain how I'm feeling in words; He knows and cares. And he knows Nate fully, knows him and formed him just this way. Nate is fearfully and wonderfully made--he is marvelous. Nate has a grand purpose in life, one that God has already written out. I get excited thinking about the man of God I pray Nate one day will be.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). When I am in the Word and praying consistently, humbly asking the Holy Spirit to work through me, nothing in my life is too difficult. My view of our circumstances changes from "Poor me; how am I going to overcome this?" to a calmer "Thank you, God, for walking with me through this and giving me Your strength."

And God is stretching me. Becoming a mother has been one of the most rewarding and most difficult things that has happened to me, opening my eyes to my weaknesses and selfishness but also to my strengths and ability to love. Through Nate having autism, I know God is going to grow me in areas I still struggle: worrying too much about what others think, having too much pride in and placing too much importance on my children's accomplishments/intelligence/"impressiveness", being too impatient.

I am so thankful for our son. I think we are in a difficult stage in his development right now, especially as far as communication goes, but I also read about and see other kids and parents whose hardships are so much more profound. We really do have it easy. We have a foundation in God that allows us to see a much bigger picture. We have a son who is visibly attached to us, is generally easy to care for, and is fun to be with. Our family has a bright future!

No news

Baby is still hanging on tight with barely any contractions. OH! But I'm pretty positive we did settle on a boy name, so I'm not so worried about whether it's a boy or girl now.

Still here

I've been having some contractions, but nothing regular yet. As of my appointment yesterday, I am 3 cm dilated--yay for progress! C'mon baby, we want to meet you!

Book

On the recommendation of the doctors last week at Nate's appointment, I ordered a specific book on autism. I like it after just the first page of the introduction:

"There are few things in life scarier than having a child diagnosed with any kind of special need, and autism is one of the scariest disabilities, because the diagnosis tells you nothing about a child's prognosis. No one can honestly say to you, 'We know exactly what your child will be like when he's twenty.'

People will, however, feel free to comment on the diagnosis in every way, most of them unhelpful. You'll hear things like 'They're crazy, he's just a late talker,' [heard it], 'My cousin's brother's kid had autism, and they changed his diet and he was cured,' [heard it], and 'Oh, my god, are you going to put him in an institution?' [haven't heard it] You'll start reading articles and combing the Internet for helpful information, and you'll find that there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there--some people swear by certain approaches, others by completely different ones, and some even believe a kid with autism should just be left alone, since 'he'll be whatever he's going to be, and nothing you do will make any difference.'

Now, that's where they're wrong.... Everything you do will make a difference" (p. xiii).

The book is written by a physician and a parent of a child with autism and seems like it covers a lot of practical information, with chapters organized by symptom. They write, "We chose to focus on one symptom at a time for a very simple reason: every child with autism is different and needs a different intervention plan. This plan needs to be based on that specific child's needs and the symptoms being exhibited, not on some general idea of how a kid with autism behaves" (p. xv). I like this, because Nate seems to strongly exhibit some symptoms while barely having others.

Anyway, all this to say I'm encouraged and am still working through everything in my head. :)

Still pregnant

No baby or any signs of labor! Tomorrow I'll be 38 weeks. (Nate was born at 37 weeks 1 day.) I'm feeling pretty uncomfortable and think I'm ready to have this baby any time now. Plus I rrrreally want to know if it's a boy or a girl!

Thank you to many of you for your encouraging notes and e-mails you sent after I posted the last post. We are doing well!

The post

We took Nate on Wednesday for his appointment with the pediatric neurologist. She met with us and observed Nate for over an hour, all the while asking us questions about family history, Nate's behavior, things he does or doesn't do. A speech pathologist also observed and played with Nate, and I noticed her doing a lot of the same things the speech therapists are doing with him in therapy (getting eye contact, playing with bubbles and getting him to sign for more/interact, etc.). I was pleased with how thorough the doctors were and how they thought Nate was so cute. After her observations, the doctor left the room for a few minutes to put together the report, which she came back and shared with us. She explained a little bit about how the Childhood Autism Rating Scale (CARS) works and that Nate scored at 43.5

Nate's score places him in the "moderately autistic range." Jon and I were surprised at first by the word moderately--as opposed to mildly--but after reading through the written evaluation and thinking about the things Nate either always does or never does that fall within the descriptions of autism, we see why the diagnosis fell where it did.

Our overall reaction is that we are not generally surprised; we went into the appointment believing that Nate does have some degree of autism. We have felt that way for a while now (months), and so it wasn't scary hearing it put into words by a doctor. I know I've already been doing some "grieving" over the fact that my little boy is going to have a harder time in some areas than other kids do.

A lot of people seem really hung up on "the A word." Like they're afraid to say it. What's the big deal? It changes pretty much nothing. Nate is still the way he is, regardless of labels. He is still hilarious, cute, playful, energetic, rambunctious, smart, adorable, and fun to be around. And oh yeah, he has autism. But it doesn't define him.

However, because so many people get caught up with the word autism and the image it conjures in their heads, Jon and I think we'll err on the side of caution as far as telling people about Nate's diagnosis. Of course all of our family and close friends will know. But the nursery workers at MOPS? They don't need to know. The grocery store clerk who gives me a weird look because Nate never responds to her when she talks to him? She doesn't need to know. (And that is a whole different post, by the way, because I know Nate's behavior looks like rudeness to outsiders, when I know it isn't--and I care too much about what other people think of my parenting skills.) Everyone who knows Nate already already loves him and sees and understand his quirks. Anyone we meet for the first time will love him too, and his autism won't be something we bring up unless it's appropriate.

We're going to continue with the therapy Nate is getting through the state-run program, and now, with his diagnosis, we will probably also be able to add additional programs through our insurance. What's nice about that is there is more to choose from location-wise through insurance, so most anything we did would be very close to home.

If you don't know anything about autism, here is a quick paragraph I took from a website: "Autism is a developmental disability that typically involves delays and impairment in social skills, language, and behavior. Autism is a spectrum disorder, meaning that it affects people differently. Some children may have speech, whereas others may have little or no speech.... Left untreated, many autistic children will not develop effective social skills and may not learn to talk or behave appropriately.... The good news is that there are a wide variety of treatment options which can be very helpful."

So, that's my disjointed post about the appointment. It was good, we're good, and we're moving forward.

No baby yet

I didn't realize I had gone so many days without a post!

I had an OB appointment on Monday, and everything looks great with the baby. I've been having a few mild contractions here and there over the past weeks, but I'm only 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced, so the baby's still pretty snug. I, on the other hand, am less and less comfortable. It's just hard getting around with 35 extra pounds hanging off my front (and sides and legs and everywhere else)!

aaaaaaaaaaa

(above from Nate)

We had Nate's appointment with the pediatric neurologist today. It was good. I'm definitely still processing all the information, so I'll probably post about it in a few days.

As requested

Taken today (and honestly, I'm not trying to exclude my face on purpose. It's just the way the camera ends up sitting best on the couch to take the picture):



And Nate having lots of fun with the hose in the back yard today:

Outside fun

I'm loving the extra daylight after dinner! So is Nate.



Running with eyes closed:

Update

This week has been another good week at therapy (excluding Monday, when Nate cried and cried for most of the hour and a half. He actually did better when I left for the last 20 minutes, so I'm not going to go in with him anymore I think). It's still tiring, and Nate still would choose not to go if he had the choice, but it's getting better. Next week starts our new schedule! Tuesday morning is two hours of ABA at our house; Wednesday and Thursday are 9:30-11:00 at the center. I'm interested to see how Nate does with so many days (Friday-Monday) in between therapy sessions, because I think one reason Mondays have been hard for him is that he hasn't been in therapy since the previous Thursday...

Baby #2 update
I hit 36 weeks earlier this week. I feel like there is no possible way my body could expand for four more weeks. Skin isn't supposed to be able to stretch like that! I think Jon and I might have come up with two possible boy names we like last night, so that gives me a bit more peace of mind if this is a boy. Overall, though, I still am leaning slightly toward guessing it's a girl.

Preparation progress
Clean Nate’s closet--both sides
Clean my closet (DONE)
Goodwill clothes (DONE)
Find boppy (DONE)
Get out and set up:
-bassinet (DONE)
-car seat (mostly done)
-neutral newborn clothes (DONE)
Pack hospital bag
Pack overnight bag for Nate (to last 2 days)
Make and freeze some meals to have for dinners after baby comes
To buy:
Plastic drawers for clothes (DONE)
Diapers (DONE)
Nursing things
Wash cloths?

Here is Nate's contribution to today's post: ssszzzzcccccccc x

He says "Mama" with flair

Video fun

Here is Nate one year ago. I forgot how light his hair used to be... and it got even lighter over the summer! Boy was he cute.

I'm not ready to call it a turning point, but...

Nate has done so much better in therapy this week. Yesterday, he didn't cry at all, especially since he was with the therapist he has seen the most so far and recognizes. She figured out that he loves playing a computer program she has, so she starts out each session with that. With the way her office/room is set up, I can sit in the next room and listen while her door is open, and Nate doesn't know I'm there. It's nice to hear what he's doing but not be in the way. Then today, Nate cried when the therapist (someone different) took him, but it was only for a minute, and I didn't hear him cry for the rest of the hour and a half, including when they transitioned him to a different therapist/room after the first half hour (the transitions have been hard for him).

I think he's starting to "get" how this place works. I'm noticing, too, that what upsets him besides being away from me is that, in the therapy, he is being directed. Even though he gets to play with toys and do things he normally likes, he is being shown/told when, where, and how to play with each toy, and when it's "all done" time with something specific, he has to give it back and move on to the next thing even if he doesn't want to. He is very self-directed, as a therapist and I were talking about yesterday.

I think his body is adjusting to the changes, too. He took a two-hour (or nearly two-hour) nap Tuesday, Wednesday, and today. That is phenomenal for him. I'm not calling it a sure change yet--he may take a 30-minuter tomorrow--but it has made for a wonderful week with my non-whiny boy back.

Thank God for small improvements!

:)

Nate did pretty well in his therapy today (very minimal crying) and slept for nearly 2 hours after we got home! I call that a successful day. ;)

Why?

Why, on the days when Nate probably needs a nap the most (and the days when I most need a break too), does he sleep for a stinking half hour? :(

Although he's still under the weather (it's just a cold), I'm planning on taking him to therapy this afternoon. We'll see how it goes.

Developing actor?

A 22 month old can't fake a fever to get out of going to therapy, can he?

Nate seemed particularly fussy most of the day yesterday after therapy, and he started feeling really hot in the evening. I ended up taking him home from AWANA, giving him a tepid bath, and loading him up on Tylenol before bed (temp was at 101.7). He slept fine but woke up early, hot and sad. I gave him some Tylenol, called to cancel his therapy, and he was acting fine by breakfast. Of course I'm kidding about him faking the fever, and I know it's the medicine and bit of breakfast he ate that helped him feel better, but I do hope this isn't some major sickness coming on. :(