School update

After praying and thinking through Nate's current school situation, I kept coming back to something I had dismissed at first: keeping Nate in 3rd grade again next year (holding him back). This would mean he would be the oldest (but not by far--only 9 days!), not the youngest. It could mean he would be in his cousin, Cami's, class, which he would love. It would mean he'd have another year to catch up on the things he's behind on (fine motor and gross motor skills, music, handwriting, some math). It would mean he would have a different teacher, and both of the possible teachers (there are two classes for that grade) are more experienced and stricter than Nate's current teacher.

Jon has reminded me that this solution won't solve everything. Nate quite possibly will still be teased. Jon has rightly observed that Nate doesn't know how to react to other boys' typical teasing behavior. He reacts weakly, angrily--basically inviting more teasing. So whatever happens with his classroom situation, Jon and I need to be even more diligent in training him and talking with him about this. He can't control other boys, but he is in control of how he reacts.

I spoke to the principal last week about the situation and my idea. It was obvious he had heard from other parents about the current classroom situation and knew the teacher wasn't equipped to lead this class well. He was very open to my idea of holding Nate back; in fact, it sounds like he thinks it's a very good idea. I think there are formalities that need to take place (approvals, seeing if there is room in one of the classes as far as numbers go, etc.), but I'm pretty confident it will happen. Although I would like to move Nate now, I think I'm the only one who thinks that's a good idea. Since I've never done this before, I'm willing to agree to the timing everyone else recommends--so it will probably be over the summer. In the meantime, he's still in the same situation and will be until June. That makes me sad, but I do feel renewed energy and motivation to do better at guiding Nate in how to behave and react.

We haven't spoken about all of this with Nate, yet. Once things are more solidified, we will. I think he will think it's a good idea.

School and when to step in

I am really happy with the kids' school... for Lucy and for Levi. Lucy loves pretty much everything about 1st grade, and I love her teacher. Levi has adjusted well to his first year of kindergarten. For Nate, I am leaning toward unhappy. His class, unlike any other class I've been in/seen at school, is out of control. The boys especially are raucous, disrespectful, and defiant. I've gone on a couple of field trips with the class and am shocked at how these boys talk to adults. I'm finding that, while Nate's teacher is incredibly nice and is a good teacher as far as the subject matter she teaches and the ideas she has, she is unassertive and has no control over the class.

Most of these boys are pretty mean to Nate. Nate has mentioned little things here and there, but it is actually from other moms that I hear how mean these boys are. (These are usually moms of the girls in the class, who obviously tell their moms much more about school than Nate tells me.) I'm not sure how much the teacher sees/hears and how much the boys are able to keep their comments and behaviors toward Nate out of earshot/eyesight. Even if she does hear/see some of the things, I think the class has gotten so out of control that she is beyond being able to regain it.

My dilemma has been wondering when to step in. So far, I have been pretty "hands off." I have not requested extra meetings with the teacher; I haven't contacted the moms of the biggest offenders. But from what I can tell, Nate is being targeted--daily, consistently, pointedly--by multiple boys. Other moms have definitely used the words "being bullied" to me about Nate. Of course I've talked with Nate about how he should act. I know he plays at recess with Lucy, Cami, and boys/kids from other classes, so he isn't by himself during recess. I do think he reacts meanly/negatively to the boys in his class, which probably eggs them on and might also invite more meanness.

So... Do I wait out the school year in hopes they replace the current teacher (I've heard whispers here and there that this might happen)? Do I speak to the principal? At this point, I really don't see talking to the teacher doing much good; she and I have spoken on occasion, and I don't see her being able to change anything going on in the class. Do I take Nate out of school altogether and homeschool him? Do I have him repeat 3rd grade so he could be in a different class next year (I know that's really not an option, but it has crossed my mind)? I really don't know where I stand right now! I want to keep Nate at school because I value consistency and I do like this school, but I don't want to ignore an issue that has become bigger than a "hardship he can use as a growing opportunity."

The next stage

I'm sitting alone at the computer at home. Quietly. With a clean house. I have never, as a mother, uttered those three sentences together.

We are in the second full week of school, and things are going well around here. We're settling back into the school routine well, and all the kids are enjoying school. Nate was excited to get back to see his teacher (same teacher as last year) and was excited about some of the special things about 3rd grade. This is the first year they do an overnight field trip (camping--in May). Lucy is loving 1st grade, as I knew she would: all the things she wanted to do last year she now gets to do (knitting/hand work, Spanish, more painting and art, etc.). She also is excited to read. Levi is adjusting well to school, though I can tell he's tired. He came home on the first day and said, proudly, "Mom: I didn't punch ANYone."

As for me, I'm enjoying the quiet. Last week was a busy week with not much time at home, so today is the first day I've actually had more than an hour or two here. Now that I've done all that was on my list (it was a pretty long list!--but work gets done quickly when you're by yourself) and am waiting for the last load of laundry to finish drying, I'm kind of in between thinking about a) starting some sort of sewing project or b) just letting the clean house stay clean.

Mothering in the moment

I have been reminding myself that these years are short with the children at home... that I will regret hours spent ignoring or "shooshing" them. With two weeks of summer left, I am imagining what it will be like in two years, when all of them will be heading to school and I will wonder if I did enough with my time with them. Will they remember their earliest years with fondness? Or will they remember the yelling, impatient mother I sometimes (often?) am? I won't be able to get these years--or my children as their youngest selves--back. Oh how I want to be the best mother I can be for them--sometimes despite myself!

Video games

I know video games are supposedly "bad" for kids--fries their brains and all--but I've been loving them. The kids play them really nicely together, which is more than can be said for many, many other activities. This morning, I overheard Nate and Levi playing Mariokart (a car racing game) together. Nate helps Levi by telling him which buttons to push, and then he cheers him on. It's so cute how excited they get when Levi gets something other than last place. (Nate, having finished the race first out of the ten cars, cheers Levi on until he finishes. Then they celebrate: "Levi, you got ninth place! Yayyyyy!") We also love the Wii Sports games (bowling is the favorite, I think) and the dancing game we have. Since we have two remotes, the kids do really well rotating turns and cheering the others on when it isn't their turn.

If/when Nate and Lucy attend Journey School in the fall (side note: Lucy got in to the class! And Nate is #1 on the waiting list! Separate post about that soon), we'll have to reconsider our video game policies (because Journey School recommends/asks for no screen time during the week--which I think I would follow moderately). But for now, I love it.

How I feel by this time in the day.

Today I had to cancel Lucy's participation in gymnastics class indefinitely. She throws a fit about her hair and about the leotard every time, often also throwing a fit in the car on the way. I let it go on way too long, because I hated to waste the money we'd paid up front. But today was one tantrum too many, and I called 20 minutes before her class to say she wouldn't be coming. We drove by so I could fill out the drop form. She was very sad, but she knows why she doesn't get to do it anymore. So disappointing!

Fruit of the Spirit project

In our "first full day at home" on Wednesday, the kids and I started this project, inspired by Casey.

While the kids colored these sheets, we read Galatians 5:22-26 a few times. Then they colored in the tree I drew while we listened to this song.



We picked a lemon for the first fruit and talked about what it means to love. How do we show love to one another? The kids' suggestions were cute. Lucy said, "When Nate or Levi gets hurt, when I go to the freezer and get an ice pack for them." Levi said, "I say I love you to Nate and Lucy." Nate suggested sharing toys and giving hugs. Then, throughout the day, I pointed out the times the kids were showing love to each other--and I even saw a few instances that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been talking about it (e.g., at the park, Levi wanted the lower swing that Nate was on, and Nate, looking to make sure I was watching, got off and gave it to him--definitely a rare occurrence).

In response to the fighting among the kids and ungratefulness toward me, I thought this project would be a good summer focus for us. And as much as the kids need it, I probably need it more. In my own reading Wednesday, I read the verses that precede the fruit of the Spirit verses, where the "works of the flesh" include "outbursts of anger" (5:20). And man, have I really been letting that rule my life lately. I have not been practicing self-control or gentleness (hello, two fruits of the Spirit) at all. I really don't want to be a yeller. I don't want the children to get used to me treating them this way. I look at old videos from when Nate was small and Lucy was just born, and I was so patient. What happened? I know that motherhood stress and busyness and whatnot have taken their toll, but really, it comes down to whether or not I'm walking in the Spirit. When I am continually renewing my spirit by fellowshipping with the Lord and reading the Word, that's when I'm "in the light" and can avoid "carry[ing] out the desires of the flesh." When I rely on my own strength, I fail. So this summer project, like I said, is as much (or more) for me as it is for the children.

Today we will talk about joy. Anyone know a fruit that starts with J?

Too much complaining

I've taken the kids on several super-fun outings lately (e.g., water play in a friend's back yard with slip-n-slide, or meeting friends at the fountains at the Spectrum and bringing lunch), only to have what feels like the entire outing be filled with whining and complaining ("You didn't bring a sandwich for me?" "I wanted the other bathing suit!" "The water is too coooooold!" "This isn't what I wanted to eat!"). By the end of the play date (which has sometimes ended early because I make us leave because of the complaining), I am discouraged and frustrated (and mad) and ask myself, "Why do I even try? Why did we even come?" I feel like I put in a lot of effort and prep work for these types of things, making and packing everyone's lunch, packing swim gear, sunscreening each child, etc. I guess deep down I must feel like the kids should appreciate all that effort and be thankful and behave well and at least be happy--but those things (at least the thankfulness and behavior) don't come naturally. They need to be trained.

So today is day 2 of just. staying. home. I think we just need to slow down. I need to select our outings carefully so as not to overload our week. A friend (Kim) mentioned something recently about how she tries to do a day-on, day-off approach (if one day has an out-of-the-house activity, then the next day is at home). That sounds smart to me. Yesterday, in our full day at home, I noticed less fighting (I think) and maybe a tiny bit less complaining (maybe). :)

A "spirited child"

Lucy has gone back into a fussing-about-every-outfit-and-every-car-ride funk. I thought maybe it would just be a day or two thing, but last night Jon and I realized that it started back this way right at her birthday. That's two weeks ago, so it officially doesn't qualify as just a small step backward.

Oh, those weeks that she was doing great were so wonderful! They were a glimpse into what life could be like--life without someone screaming all day. Life without my stress level at 99.99% capacity.

I've been telling myself that my mood and my behavior should not depend on her mood or behavior. I know it in my brain, but I just can't seem to make it happen.

It's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel knowing that we've been dealing with this sort of stuff for 2 and a half years already!

Chores and allowance

Did I really go over a week without posting? I guess having no camera has put me in a blogging slump. But I ordered a new camera--yippee!

At MOPS this week, our speaker spoke about teaching responsibility to our children--through chores and allowance. Chores and allowance are not necessarily tied together for her, but she did speak on both. Out of each week's small allowance, each child divides it into his/her own "save," "give," and "spend" boxes. The savings goes into the child's bank account; the give money is for church and giving gifts; the spending money is where the learning occurs! The child is free to do whatever he/she wants with the spend money. So, a child who keeps spending that money on things from the dollar bin at Target will realize (eventually) that if she wants something specific that costs, say, $10, then she'll have to refrain from those $1 purchases until she can save enough for the $10 thing.

The speaker also gave some good ideas on assigning chores to different ages of children, how to implement and keep track of them, and how to present them to the kids (a chart, or individualized index cards presented at breakfast each day, etc.). So I finally kicked in gear in this parenting area and actually assigned some chores this week. Before I even assigned any chores, Nate asked for a chart. (I could have predicted that one!)



The "10 things" is another idea from the speaker (though hers was 20 things): Find 10 things that are in the wrong place. Put them away in the right place.

It's still a work in progress, but Nate was thrilled to do the laundry today. I mean thrilled. (I wrote out step-by-step instructions for him.) And Lucy was very proud about sorting the laundry (which she practiced this morning). Levi already loves "helping" empty the dishwasher; I just have to think of a couple more appropriate yet helpful chores for him.

How kids care for their toys

Daddy tells a story about me when I was little (maybe 3?). My toy shopping cart had broken, and he spent some time fixing it. After I got it back from him, I promptly smashed it into the wall several times, breaking it again. I told him, "See Daddy? It isn't fixed!"

School decisions

I've been praying about decisions for the kids' schooling over the next couple of years. I still don't know exactly what we'll do, but here's where I'm leaning:

Lucy, who will be 4 and a half in the fall, would go to preschool 3 days/week. She's been dying to start school.
Nate will homeschool with me for 1st grade.

Wait, did I just say homeschool? That is not me. I'm the mom who has been counting down the days until all my kids are in school. (I love my kids--I really, really do--but I'm also an introvert and crave some daily alone time.)

There are many reasons I'm leaning in this direction. One main factor is cost. Nate's current school had to raise tuition, and we'd also be paying nearly twice as much anyway because he'd switch from half-day kindergarten to full-day school. If we send Lucy to preschool instead (at the place where Nate did his "mainstreamed" preschool), the cost would be about 1/4. Then I could set aside some funds for field trips and homeschool supplies.

If cost were the only factor, then public school would probably be the easy choice for Nate. But the second factor is boredom. Nate comes home telling me the "sight words" they went over in class ("Mom, we learned the new site words 'as' and 'the' this week")--all while he is able to read chapter books on his own. When they do learn something new to him in school (there have been math concepts he didn't know), he loves it. If I can help it, I don't want Nate to believe that learning is boring, slow, with nothing new or exciting. (I initially put "school" in that sentence instead of "learning"--but it's learning that he loves now, and I don't want him to lose that.) All of this isn't meant to say "I have such a smart, smart little snowflake and I don't want inferior schooling to tarnish him!" Not at all. I do want to figure out what's best for him, though. And I also realize that if he homeschools and eventually wants to go back to school, the grade level issue will still be there.

One of the reasons I think I might be able to do this is if Lucy is at preschool. The combination of all 3 children at once is what I feel might put me over the edge of overwhelmedness (is that a word?). Even with Luce in school, I'm still quite apprehensive about homeschooling (the organization required. the decisions about materials. the actual teaching time. the space). But on Lucy's days off from preschool, we could do our field trips or easy school days.

I've been mulling all of this over for a couple of months now, and I feel like God has been nudging me with different encouragements over that time. A friend from church gave a talk at a recent MOPS about changing our mentality about learning and how our kids learn, allowing them to pursue their interests and passions, not bogging them down with what they "should" be learning compared to other kids. Then Nate's school's announcement came about tuition increases.

I'm still unsure. :)

Why'd it take me so long to figure this out?

Although Nate loves school, he doesn't like getting ready in the mornings. Each day was the same thing: me reminding him several times to get dressed, then to eat, then to put on his shoes, then to brush his teeth, etc. Each time, he'd whine. This is obviously an attitude-obedience-discipline issue, BUT I also needed to figure out something that worked better. WHY did it take me so long to think of writing up a schedule for him? When I printed this out and posted it (in his bedroom and also in the kitchen), he loved it.



He likes to know when things need to be done, and of course he loves that it's the same each day. Now, it's amazing. I usually have to remind him about the first step or two, but then by brushing-teeth time, he usually does it on his own before I even say a thing. It's a miracle!

The case of the ruined library book

Last week, I caught Nate drawing with pen in one of his library books. He knew it was wrong, as he tried to hide it when I walked in. I told him it was wrong to do that and asked what he thought we should do when we had to return the book. His first response was, "Don't tell them!" (as in, Mama, please don't tell the library what I did). I said that no, we would have to tell them, but I would talk to Daddy first. Jon and I decided that Nate would have to bring the book to the librarian himself, tell her what he had done, apologize, and ask how he could make it right. We knew we'd probably have to pay for the book, so we told Nate he will do extra chores around the house to pay us back.

Today we went to the library after school to return our books. The person behind the returns desk was a somewhat-gruff-looking older man, and Nate asked if he could please not talk to him. :) So I looked around and saw a woman at the information desk and told Nate he could go to her. He walked up, said "Excuse me," and opened the book. "I'm sorry I wrote with pen in this book. What do I need to do to make it right?" The lady told him he'd have to go tell the children's librarian. As we were leaving to find her, the first lady smiled at Nate and thanked him for being honest. We found the other librarian, and Nate repeated his apology (word for word). She explained that it ruined the book, and we would have to pay for it. But she also said it was good that he was brave and told the truth.

I paid for the book as we checked out our new ones, and now I have to think of some good houseworky things he can do to earn $15. :)

What I've learned

Inspired by this post, I am going to write an actual post!

I should start by saying that the biggest thing I've learned in the past few years is that I know way less than I thought I knew. Thinking I know it all is a sign of blind pride, and nothing has taught me that truth more than motherhood!

But I guess I have learned a few things worth sharing with others, so here I go.

On parenting
Let go of expectations about how your children will turn out--as babies, as young kids, and beyond. Enjoy who they are and try not to compare them to other children.

Give grace to other moms who are trying to do right or who are obviously having a bad day. I had a big list of "I will nevers" before I had kids. (I will never let my children do x in the middle of a store. I will never let my children talk to me in x sort of way. Insert your "I will never" here.) Then I had kids. And I learned that, in those situations where I feel I must give in on something, I certainly don't want to be judged. I appreciate a sympathetic smile, though.

On having a child with autism
Some may consider this a negative trial, but going through it, mourning the loss of what I thought mothering was going to be like the first time around, I learned much about letting go of expectations and embracing the beauty of what the Lord has given me.

But you do mourn the loss of your "blissful mothering experience," and you mourn for your child's lost childhood. It's hard seeing others' neurotypical children who just "get it." Their moms don't have to teach them how to talk or communicate; they just get it. Their moms can go to parks and playdates and fun stuff, all while you're taking your child to therapy.

Doing something to try to help your child is far better than sitting around wallowing. Read. Research. Talk to others. And, please, try the GFCFSF diet.

On marriage
Just as I rest in the security of my husband's love, he rests in the security of my respect. It doesn't make sense to the female brain, but it works. For me, practically, this means never speaking negatively about him to our children or to my friends. It means telling him and showing him how much I respect and appreciate how hard he works to provide for our family. It means remembering that he is not another one of my children, so I should not speak to him as if he were one.

When you want your husband to do something, just ask. Spell it out. None of this passive-aggressive stuff, expecting him to "just know" what you want without having to tell him. Chances are, he wants to please you but just needs some direction, because what you wanted yesterday is different from what you want today.

Perspective

Yesterday, Jon took the kids swimming for a couple of hours. (He is wonderful and brave, but not crazy: his parents went too.) I had the house to myself, and I put on some music, picked up toys, vacuumed, washed dishes, did some editing work--it was heavenly. It's funny how your perspective can change over the years. Before having children, I would have slightly (or more than slightly) resented the housework, the duties. But now, if I get to do those things in an empty house, it's like my greatest wish has come true.

What has changed? The work is still the same. So I guess I've changed, and so has my life. Things are way crazier and way less about me. That's a good thing!

Cold showers

I haven't blogged about the "cold shower treatment" yet. Here's the gist of it: our usual discipline tactics were not very effective with Lucy. They would maybe have a momentary impact, but apparently she didn't care enough about the consequences to stop the tantrums, fit-throwing, and disrespectful words. We talk about how God wants us to act with gentleness, self control, respect for authority, etc. She is just having a really hard time. Recently, she kept throwing a fit about something (probably clothes-related), and Jon told her if she threw one more fit, he was going to put her in the shower with cold water. Within a minute, she was throwing another fit. Jon calmly but firmly took her to the shower, clothes and all, and held her under cold water for about 10 seconds. She hated it (of course). After he turned the water off, he dried her off, held her, and prayed with her. She was like a different child--humbled, calm, and happy for the rest of the day.

Since that day, I have had to do the shower treatment with her several more times (it probably comes out to about once a week now that I think about it). She really hates it. But she comes out of it so much better. And I have found that I am able to stay calm and matter-of-fact with her about it, making sure I count out loud to 10 while she's in the water, so she can understand I'm under control and not doing it out of anger. Afterward, I make sure we talk about why we had to do it, then pray with her.

So that's the cold shower explanation. It may sound cruel to some people, but when you're dealing with a spirited child for whom regular discipline has little effect, you have to find something!

The benefit of appeal

One of my favorite parenting concepts out of Shepherding a Child's Heart is the idea of appeal. The idea isn't new, but I credit the book with giving it to me. Anyway, the gist is that children are to obey the first time, without delay. However, while a child is in the process of obeying, he/she may make an appeal for the parent to change his/her mind. If at all possible, the parent should say yes to the child's request. If the parent's answer still is no (often accompanied by an explanation), the child should still continue obeying without complaint. (All easier said than done, of course.)

Nate has just begun to understand and implement this concept, and it certainly has done wonders to erase whining and to make him feel like his voice is heard. The light bulb moment for him was with his video game. When the timer went off and/or I told him time was up, he would whine and complain. Then I explained to him that, if he stops playing immediately and is on his way to turn off the system, he may ask for more time. I also explained that sometimes I would be able to say yes, and sometimes I would still say no; either way, he must not complain. It took a few days of reminders from me, but now Nate totally gets it and has also been very successful in continuing to obey even when I say no. I now delight in purposely setting the timer to a shorter time so I can gift him with an extended few minutes when he makes a proper appeal. (I do that every few days so he won't come to expect the extended time each day.)

Small successes in parenting are so sweet, especially when they accompany a very difficult week with a 3 year old.

Letting go

The other day, I gave Nate and Lucy a tiny bit of freedom: on the way to the park by our house, I pulled Levi in the wagon up our hill and down the other hill to the bridge (if you've been here, you know what I'm talking about). I let Lucy and Nate walk by themselves the other way to the bridge (down a grass hill, through a greenbelt). They were out of my sight only for a short time, but still, to them this was a big deal. It got me thinking about how this was a small picture of what parenting is about: training and teaching my children until I think they're ready for a step away from me, and then giving them that freedom. I've met many mothers who say something along the lines of "All I want to do is protect my babies and make life as wonderful and happy as possible for them." They will "go to bat" for their child in the classroom, no matter what the child has been disciplined for. They will keep bringing that forgotten lunch to school, no matter how many times the child leaves it at home. That's a disservice. When those mothers' children go off to college (if they ever let them!), do you think professors are going to be concerned with those kids' happiness? When those mothers' children enter the work force, do you think their bosses will be concerned with their happiness? Of course not. Yes, my job as mother is to love my children, protect them as their age requires, and hopefully provide them with a wonderful life. But I also believe I'm here to teach them how to function in the world (how to be a light in that world!), how to make wise decisions. As I train and protect them, my motherly wisdom will also dictate when the time is right to allow new freedoms and choices. So yeah, that tiny freedom on the way to the park the other day was almost nothing, but it was a step in the right direction.

Clean house = happy mama

I'm sure it's annoying to see that Lucyisms post at the top of the blog all week... Sorry!

In the absence of anything else I can think of to post, I will note that I just booked my first ever house cleaning service, and I am so excited. It's going to be once a month, and we are canceling cable TV in order to pay for it. That's a win-win-win in my mind! Much cleaner house (happier wife and mama) = win! Much less cleaning I have to do (or feel guilty about not doing) = win! Less mindless TV watching = win!

Speaking of TV, here is where Levi chose to watch from today (extra carseat in the house after getting cleaned):