Update on us

I know I've been sticking with strictly photo posts lately, so I thought I'd write a better update.

House
I now feel completely settled in our home. I have a short wish list of bigger-ticket items to try to get done over the next couple of years (paint the exterior; redo our closet; have recessed lighting in living room and kitchen installed; eventually get new windows), but nearly all of the small things I'd hoped to do to help the place feel like ours again are done. I didn't want the house to be like it was when we first lived here--my tastes have changed quite a bit (I have plenty of those "what was I thinking?" moments)--I just wanted a fresh start. I love it.

Christmas and Traditions
Christmas was great. We hosted the meal for the first time. I made creamed onions, among the other dishes, but the onions were my favorite.

Christmas break was GREAT. Having a break from the everyday rush was just what we all needed.

I spent some time feeling slightly guilty for having so few family traditions. We haven't done gingerbread houses. We don't do crafts. I don't go "all out" on anything. Yes, we do the tree and we go out to view Christmas lights, but I don't make a big to-do about the tree, and I don't pack snacks and hot chocolate and put on a specially made playlist to see the lights. Then I had a miniature epiphany... I don't view my main mothering role as making my children's lives fun--or even memorable. That's right. My main role is to teach them about Christ and to train them to be independent! I should be training them to be equipped (eventually) to live without me, not to depend on me for even more. Traditions and fun things are great, too, of course but I just realized that it isn't me--and that's OK. It isn't supposed to be my main goal anyway. I thought back to my growing-up, and what I appreciate now is not necessarily the fun stuff (there was fun stuff--yes--but not obsessed-over, has-to-be-done fun stuff) but the built-in life training stuff that prepared me for being confident later in life. So there it is--a mini epiphany.

School
Jon drives Nate and Lucy to school at least three days a week now, and it is wonderful. Levi and I don't have to rush out the door, and I can focus on making sure Nate and Luce are on track. Added benefit: Lucy behaves much better for Jon re: clothing bothering her and making it to class without fussing.

Lucy doesn't have anything particular to complain about, but she generally doesn't say she loves school. I can't decide if she's just trying to be difficult or if she's truly bored.

Nate told me over Christmas break that he didn't want to go back to school because no one plays with him. :( I had gotten the impression that no one was especially nice to Nate and that he also acted pretty annoyingly toward other kids (pestering them, getting into their personal space, not keeping his hands to himself, always trying to be first). I didn't know that he was by himself every recess, though. So we talked about some strategies for him and also decided he would make an effort with Jake, one of the boys who isn't "mean." (One of the reasons he was by himself at recess was that Jake always wants to play ball and Nate didn't want to. So we decided if he wants to have a friend, he should offer to play what Jake wants. After starting school again last week, this is what Nate says he did and it worked.) I'm hopeful the rest of the school year will be positive for him.

I've spent most of a day writing bits and pieces of this update... time to publish! :)

Mothering in the moment

I have been reminding myself that these years are short with the children at home... that I will regret hours spent ignoring or "shooshing" them. With two weeks of summer left, I am imagining what it will be like in two years, when all of them will be heading to school and I will wonder if I did enough with my time with them. Will they remember their earliest years with fondness? Or will they remember the yelling, impatient mother I sometimes (often?) am? I won't be able to get these years--or my children as their youngest selves--back. Oh how I want to be the best mother I can be for them--sometimes despite myself!

What I've learned

Inspired by this post, I am going to write an actual post!

I should start by saying that the biggest thing I've learned in the past few years is that I know way less than I thought I knew. Thinking I know it all is a sign of blind pride, and nothing has taught me that truth more than motherhood!

But I guess I have learned a few things worth sharing with others, so here I go.

On parenting
Let go of expectations about how your children will turn out--as babies, as young kids, and beyond. Enjoy who they are and try not to compare them to other children.

Give grace to other moms who are trying to do right or who are obviously having a bad day. I had a big list of "I will nevers" before I had kids. (I will never let my children do x in the middle of a store. I will never let my children talk to me in x sort of way. Insert your "I will never" here.) Then I had kids. And I learned that, in those situations where I feel I must give in on something, I certainly don't want to be judged. I appreciate a sympathetic smile, though.

On having a child with autism
Some may consider this a negative trial, but going through it, mourning the loss of what I thought mothering was going to be like the first time around, I learned much about letting go of expectations and embracing the beauty of what the Lord has given me.

But you do mourn the loss of your "blissful mothering experience," and you mourn for your child's lost childhood. It's hard seeing others' neurotypical children who just "get it." Their moms don't have to teach them how to talk or communicate; they just get it. Their moms can go to parks and playdates and fun stuff, all while you're taking your child to therapy.

Doing something to try to help your child is far better than sitting around wallowing. Read. Research. Talk to others. And, please, try the GFCFSF diet.

On marriage
Just as I rest in the security of my husband's love, he rests in the security of my respect. It doesn't make sense to the female brain, but it works. For me, practically, this means never speaking negatively about him to our children or to my friends. It means telling him and showing him how much I respect and appreciate how hard he works to provide for our family. It means remembering that he is not another one of my children, so I should not speak to him as if he were one.

When you want your husband to do something, just ask. Spell it out. None of this passive-aggressive stuff, expecting him to "just know" what you want without having to tell him. Chances are, he wants to please you but just needs some direction, because what you wanted yesterday is different from what you want today.

Favorite things

I just got a hankering to write down my favorite things about each of our children. :)

Nate - 5 years 5 months old today. His freckles (oh, how I love them). How one eye is darker than the other. How gentle he is with babies. How he draws (it's the typical 5-year-old stuff with sticks for fingers, etc., and I love it). His natural leadership tendencies (a struggle sometimes, but will be a strength too).

Lucy - 3 and a half years exactly (tomorrow). Her foodar (i.e., like radar but for food). When she gets in dance-y moods. Her belly. How I will walk in a room and see the lights off, fan on, and a teddy bear tucked in bed, because she put it down for nap.

Levi - 22 months. The language spurts that occur each week. His one dimple on his right cheek. How he wants to do everything Nate is doing, even when he doesn't really know what's going on. How he calls his pacifiers "foffies." His infectious laugh. His comedic moods. How he says Lucy's name ("Ee-ee") and now has enough language to tell me when she has done something wrong ("Mama! Ee-ee did dat"). And while I do not love his dilly dallying every.single.place. we go, I do think it's cute (sometimes).

Here's how they were all sitting the other day watching a video. Funny.

Letting go

The other day, I gave Nate and Lucy a tiny bit of freedom: on the way to the park by our house, I pulled Levi in the wagon up our hill and down the other hill to the bridge (if you've been here, you know what I'm talking about). I let Lucy and Nate walk by themselves the other way to the bridge (down a grass hill, through a greenbelt). They were out of my sight only for a short time, but still, to them this was a big deal. It got me thinking about how this was a small picture of what parenting is about: training and teaching my children until I think they're ready for a step away from me, and then giving them that freedom. I've met many mothers who say something along the lines of "All I want to do is protect my babies and make life as wonderful and happy as possible for them." They will "go to bat" for their child in the classroom, no matter what the child has been disciplined for. They will keep bringing that forgotten lunch to school, no matter how many times the child leaves it at home. That's a disservice. When those mothers' children go off to college (if they ever let them!), do you think professors are going to be concerned with those kids' happiness? When those mothers' children enter the work force, do you think their bosses will be concerned with their happiness? Of course not. Yes, my job as mother is to love my children, protect them as their age requires, and hopefully provide them with a wonderful life. But I also believe I'm here to teach them how to function in the world (how to be a light in that world!), how to make wise decisions. As I train and protect them, my motherly wisdom will also dictate when the time is right to allow new freedoms and choices. So yeah, that tiny freedom on the way to the park the other day was almost nothing, but it was a step in the right direction.

Getting used to insensitivity

I wasn't going to post about this, but I've been thinking about it all morning, so I'm at least going to write about it and then might or might not publish the post.

Last night, I went early to our Cubbies classroom at church to set up for AWANA. The school teacher was still in there, so she and I talked while I set up. I had Nate and Lucy with me, so Lucy sat in the stroller and I set up some crayons and coloring sheet to occupy Nate. (It was quite cute: the sheet was a picture of Noah and the ark, and after I told Nate that, he started singing the "Who built the ark?" song, which we haven't sung together in some time.)

Nate's autism came up. The first thing the teacher said was, "Oh, I had two boys in my class last year with autism," and she raised her eyebrows and cocked her head in an expression of "can you believe that? Just my terrible luck." She talked about how some days were OK, but other times one or both of the boys would just be unmanageable, and she'd "finally just have to send one home."

I'm sure I'm a little hyper-sensitive right now as I'm running on way less sleep than I need, but still, come on lady! I'm a mom to one of those boys!

My first thought was, "Well, I just hope Nate doesn't end up with a teacher like her one day." But he probably will. I'd like to prepare myself for it now, not be blindsided or shocked when it happens. Even teachers who may end up loving Nate would not choose to have "someone like him" in their classrooms, because it means more work for them. And when they read the piece of paper that says they're teaching a boy with autism this year, they don't see the cute, funny, aiming to please, smart boy they'll be teaching; they see a piece of paper, words, AUTISM.

Just like many parents begin praying for their children's future spouses years ahead of time, I can begin praying for Nate's future teachers--that God would prepare their hearts and pave the way for Nate, placing him in the right classrooms with the right teachers and classmates.

There, I feel better! :)

More on motherhood: being appreciated

I often depend on my husband to validate me, to make me feel appreciated, to tell me I'm a good wife and mother. He is good at doing that and does it often; however, I realize that it shouldn't be my motivation, that it isn't what dictates whether I actually am doing a "good job."

Amy from Amy's Humble Musings echoes these thoughts:

For many years, I walked around waiting for someone to notice my sacrifice and hoped for some grand acknowledgment on Mother’s Day. (I admit it.) One day I realized that my obedience is better than feeling appreciated. And this is the secret of the Christian’s life--everything is an offering for Christ. What we do for little ones, we do for Christ.

Aha!

God knows women desire appreciation and to be noticed. The Proverbs 31 woman, who seems to "do it all," is appreciated. A highlight of that chapter for me is verses 28-29:

Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.”

I do desire for my children and husband to appreciate me, and I don't believe that is wrong. However, verse 30 should be my focus:

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.

It is the woman who does all of this work for Him who deserves the praise!

And happy birthday, Lucy M!

Vaccines: some things I've been learning

There are those in the autism community who believe certain vaccines like the MMR caused their children's autism. I am not one of those. Nate's was not a regressive case, where he was "fine" and then, one day soon after a shot, lost skills, language, etc. Looking back, we can see signs all along in Nate's development. However, I agree with the experts (like in the book I'm currently reading, Changing the Course of Autism: A Scientific Approach for Parents and Physicians) who posit that autism is not merely a genetic disorder, but a disorder perhaps involving some genetic predispositions (in the brain? gut?) that are triggered by environmental factors that affect the gut, brain, and other areas of the body. One of those environmental triggers might be some of the ingredients in vaccines.

Some studies have found that children with autism are unable to process certain metals, like mercury and/or other vaccine ingredients, properly. Their bodies hold onto these materials, sometimes to toxic levels, which can then manifest in "autistic" behaviors. I'm being as careful as possible with Lucy's vaccinations since 1) autism tends to run in families and she may also have those "genetic predispositions" and 2) I've been finding out what's in these vaccines (a lot of junk, including aluminum, formaldehyde, and human tissue!).

Lucy got her first shot, the Hib (prevents Haemophilus influenzae type b bacteria, which causes bacterial meningitis, pneumonia, and other infections) at five months. Babies' immune systems often aren't ready for shots by two months, so we gave Lucy's body more time to develop. I'm getting her vaccinations one at a time (more spread out), so she only gets one shot at each doctor's visit, as opposed to the four or more that is standard protocol*. Also, she won't get the combination shots like the MMR; instead she'll get separate measles, separate mumps, and separate rubella shots. Here's how I plan to do all of her shots (probably not exactly to this schedule, but in this order and not any sooner than the ages listed):

5 months: Hib
6 months: DTaP
7 months: second series of Hib, IPV (Polio)
8 months: DTaP
9 months: third series of Hib, IPV
10 months: DTaP
15 months: measles
17 months: fourth series of Hib, IPV
27 months: rubella
39 months: mumps**
4-5 years: boosters for the measles, rubella, and mumps** shots (if possible, though, you can check for "titers" before giving boosters and may not need to give the boosters at all)
4 years: Hepatitis B

I haven't listed the chicken pox (varicella/varivax) vaccine because I may not get it for the children at all. I may file exemptions for both Nate and Lucy for some shots. Several states, including California, allow parents to file "philosophical exemptions." This way, they can still attend any school. FYI, California's school immunization record form has space on the back for a "personal beliefs" exemption request.

The book I've gotten most of my information from is What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Children's Vaccinations by Stephanie Cave. I like that the author, a doctor, isn't completely anti-vaccine; she just gives a fuller picture about what's in each vaccine, possible side effects, how best to protect our children, etc.

* More information on why I'm spreading Lucy's vaccinations out and only getting one at a time: "Marcel Kinsbourne, M.D., a pediatric neurologist and research professor at the Center for Cognitive Studies at Tufts University, expressed his concerns about multiple dosing to the House Committee on Government Reform when he was asked to speak on the subject of vaccine safety. Dr. Kinsbourne told his audience that 'when several vaccines are given at the same time, they may have adverse effects that none of the individual vaccines have when they are given by themselves....' In addition to the added assault on the immune system when more than one vaccine is given, injecting several vaccines makes it virtually impossible to know which one is responsible for any adverse reactions that may occur" (Cave, 2001, pp. 33-34).

** I keep thinking of more stuff to add! Lucy might not get the mumps shots at all. The major threat of the mumps disease is male sterility. (In addition, the rubella disease is rather mild except in cases where a pregnant woman contracts it; it can kill the baby. So girls don't need the mumps vaccine as much as boys do, and boys don't need the rubella vaccine as much as girls do.)

Edited to add: The book I'm currently reading presents evidence that the main issue with the MMR is the measles portion, and even separated out, the measles vaccine has caused problems.

Update January 2008: I have since decided not to get any vaccinations for Lucy. She has gotten the Hib (once at 5 months and once at 9 months), so I will probably get the other two rounds of that shot for her, but nothing else right now.

The motherhood club

I used to think that motherhood was like a club; once you had children, other mothers would exchange a knowing nod and smile, a sort of "Isn't this cool?" What I find generally in the real world, though, is an air of judgment. Even though that mother's child was probably screaming in the store last week (or thirty years ago), she still tsks at the other poor woman who is just trying to buy some groceries and keep her children quiet for five more minutes. Where is the mercy, the grace? The help?

Sometimes I catch myself wanting to look and seem put together, like I have it all figured out. But that is just so far from the truth! What I genuinely want, though, is to be transparent, for other mothers to see that I struggle too and ultimately need to rely on God.

Amy Scott posted some great thoughts recently:

Motherhood is not a competition but a calling. We are too needful of one another to be so short-suffering. Sometimes we concentrate on small things and miss the greater thing; sometimes we think a perfect method is a good substitute for genuine love.

Now that I'm also a mother of a child with autism, I believe that God has put this circumstance in my life so that I can learn from it and encourage and help other moms in similar situations. Mothering any child is a challenge, and I believe mothering a child with autism has some particular challenges that perhaps other moms don't understand. I've been praying to find (or form) a group of Christian moms with special needs children, because we all could use some judgment-free love!

Questions I've been pondering

Where is the balance between helping Nate to be "normal" and accepting him for who he is? I am glad he is getting so many kinds of therapy and seems to be doing well with it. But is there a point where we are pushing him too much, not allowing him to be his own person?

No parent wants to hear their child has something "wrong." We want our children's lives to be easy, happy, so when we hear they have a condition that means things will be more difficult for them, it's heartbreaking. But do I really know what's going to make Nate happy when he's older, or am I projecting what I would want for him (to have friends, to do well in school, to speak eloquently, to get married and have children)?

Estee Klar-Wolfond, a mother of a child with autism and an activist, writes,

We do not hear about research that seeks to help autistic people be the best autistic people they can be. We need to redirect our attention to merging help (with the more disabling aspects of autism) with respect (respecting the autistic person’s right to exist) and realize that there is life beyond an over-simplified “cure.” Further, helping the more disabling aspects of autism (anxiety, sensory issues) can exist outside of a "cure" for autism.

I urge every parent (but for those who visit this blog, I bet I’m preaching to the choir), to actively seek out the alternatives and become proactive in not accepting strategies that change your child to “appear normal” because they will ultimately be very damaging to their self-image as teenagers and adults, and we will have greater problems to contend with later.

I don't necessarily agree completely with the author (e.g., "self image" and self esteem often encourage us to look inside ourselves for our identity, when really our identity is in Christ), but she did make me think. I don't want Nate to think we believe there's something wrong with who he is. He does need therapy, because we want him to be able to communicate effectively and function in the world. But beyond his learning to talk and at least identify (if not understand) social mores, I don't want to push him too much. (But what is too much? I don't want to waste his most formative years when therapy and behavior "modification" and discipline and proactive parenting have the most impact! I don't want to say, "Nate is just going to be this way," just because it's easier not to take action. As you can see, I haven't worked this all out in my head, which is why this post is titled, "Questions.")

I guess what I really need to keep my focus on is fostering Nate's spiritual growth. I want him to become a believer in Christ, and I want him to be happy, however that happens. I want him to know we love him no matter what, that we enjoy his personality and want him to pursue his interests.

Seasons

I've been thinking lately about seasons of life and how important it is to appreciate and experience fully each season as it comes. I spend too much time wishing for things that will come in time (e.g., no diapers, or talking in full sentences). Often, when those things come, I'm already wishing for the next thing. What a terrible way to live life!

Things to appreciate now: the hectic craziness of running around after a two year old while also holding a three month old... and still having the energy to do it (most days). (Truly makes me wonder how mothers of three, four, or more do it!) The sweet innocence of my baby girl. The absolute trust and devotion of my children. Full days to devote to play. Being young with my husband.

I know I will look back one day and think fondly of these years. I also want to look back and know that I made the best of them, not wasting the time and opportunities God gave.

God's hand

Most of what I post--in general and specifically about Nate and his development--is factual, practical, things I'm working through in my head. One of the main reasons for that is this blog is mainly for the benefit of family and friends who don't live close by, and they like to stay informed about what's going on with us. I don't do a lot of relating what's going on in our everyday lives to their spiritual implications. In general, I'm not that kind of thinker I guess. But I do definitely think about and see God's hand working in our circumstances, specifically the things we've been learning about Nate.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether...

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well...
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them." (Psalm 139:1-4, 13-16)

God intimately understands every fleeting thought I have. He knows me fully. To me, that is comfort. I don't have to be able to explain how I'm feeling in words; He knows and cares. And he knows Nate fully, knows him and formed him just this way. Nate is fearfully and wonderfully made--he is marvelous. Nate has a grand purpose in life, one that God has already written out. I get excited thinking about the man of God I pray Nate one day will be.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). When I am in the Word and praying consistently, humbly asking the Holy Spirit to work through me, nothing in my life is too difficult. My view of our circumstances changes from "Poor me; how am I going to overcome this?" to a calmer "Thank you, God, for walking with me through this and giving me Your strength."

And God is stretching me. Becoming a mother has been one of the most rewarding and most difficult things that has happened to me, opening my eyes to my weaknesses and selfishness but also to my strengths and ability to love. Through Nate having autism, I know God is going to grow me in areas I still struggle: worrying too much about what others think, having too much pride in and placing too much importance on my children's accomplishments/intelligence/"impressiveness", being too impatient.

I am so thankful for our son. I think we are in a difficult stage in his development right now, especially as far as communication goes, but I also read about and see other kids and parents whose hardships are so much more profound. We really do have it easy. We have a foundation in God that allows us to see a much bigger picture. We have a son who is visibly attached to us, is generally easy to care for, and is fun to be with. Our family has a bright future!

Thoughts as I say goodbye to work
1. I'm going to miss the daily activity/brain stimulation. It's satisfying taking a project from beginning to end, learning new things, picking up and using industry jargon without thinking anything of it. Realizing I'm going to miss this makes me thankful that I still have the freelance stuff I can do from home (when I'm ready). I plan on taking "leave" from editing until probably some time in June.

2. I'm not really going to miss anyone in particular. This is sad, I know, especially considering I've been here for 2 years. I am the only Christian in my department (of 15 people) and met very few other Christians in the company (and those I did meet weren't "buddy" material; although the male 45-year-old manager of the mail room is nice, I don't think a nice friendship was possible). And it isn't that I would have only become friends with other believers; I guess I'm just illustrating that I don't have much in common with anyone else. There are two girls I will miss, but our friendship is just surface.

3. I could have done more. Yes, my coworkers know that I'm a Christian, but I did not make enough of an effort to live that out daily or to be vocal about it. I spoke plainly and too often with those two friends about one of our fellow coworkers who frustrates us; I missed opportunities to talk about God, faith, and Christianity on general and person levels. I think I could always look back and think I could have done more, no matter the transition/life situation.

4. I am so excited! I'm right in the middle of a major life shift, moving on to something I've looked forward to for years. I never looked forward to being a proposal writer per se (though I did look forward to the idea of work in general--and I have enjoyed it). I'm excited to see what God has in store for us.

I went on our church's annual women's retreat this weekend, and I loved it. Three other "younger" women went, too (by younger, I just mean that we don't have kids yet. So I guess I barely fit into this category), and we roomed together, staying up extremely late on both Friday and Saturday nights just talking. The speaker for the weekend was excellent--possibly controversial in some of her points (especially about birth control, which she believes should not be used)--but overall I really loved her main messages: the world really devalues the roles of wife and mother, telling women that being "just a wife and mother" is not enough. However, these are our God-given, God-created roles. God calls us to these roles as our primary ministry on earth. As a woman, my spheres of influence are first inside the home (husband, children, the physical house) then move outside the home (church, community). As parents, we raise children with the purpose of adding to the army of God. These ideas certainly don't jive with what most people in the world (and, frankly, in the church) believe/teach, but I really enjoyed thinking and hearing about them this weekend, and I agree with them. I am a child of God, a wife, and a mother, and that is enough.

As requested, here are some pictures...
From two weeks ago in the baby's room:


From one week ago wearing my favorite paint-covered pants:

Evangelism: anytime, anywhere?
I went with several coworkers (most of our department, in fact) to a "motivational seminar" yesterday--an all-day snooze-fest with speaker after speaker attempting to get 12,000+ of us motivated by telling funny stories or telling us about how rich they are and that we can be too. After one of the speakers/assistant MCs interviewed Jessica Lynch (it was semi-interesting, but she is obviously not a public speaker), he got up and seemed to be transitioning to the next speaker. But he didn't. Slowly, he segued into the fact that we need something "spiritual" to really motivate us. He didn't use any "God" words at first. He said something like, "You just need to believe in something." I might have misheard that statement, but I do think he said that. Not 5 minutes later, he said that it does matter what you believe. "If I believe with all my heart, with all my faith," he said, "that this TV screen will fly me back to Florida tomorrow, all the faith in the world isn't going to make that happen. But if I have just a bit of faith that the airplane I board will get me home, it will happen." OK, I'm thinking, so what is the airplane? What do you believe? He still didn't say. Eventually, he worked in some "God" words and finally told us "the prayer [he] prayed in [his] heart 27 years ago"--Jesus, come in my heart, fill me up, make me into the person you want me to be (real solid). Then he had his wife come on stage, and they told the story of how they met and decided to get engaged "even though [they] didn't love each other. [They] felt God told them to get married."

While I obviously have some issues with the actual message this guy was giving (it was unclear/vague, inconsistent, and Scripturally inaccurate), I was offended (too strong a word? Maybe taken aback) by the sly, less-than-honest way in which it was offered. At our Friday night Bible study a couple of weeks ago, we talked about a book called Permission Evangelism, which, though I only read excerpts, gets a little too extreme for me but that advocates a less obtrusive, in-your-face, now-you-listen-to-me type of evangelism/witnessing. The author of that book would have definitely been squirming in his seat yesterday. At this motivational seminar for business people, we were given no schedule, no agenda, no list of the order of speakers or topics--no warning about this spiritual talk in the middle of "how to understand the stock market" and "the 40 questions to ask in sales." Then, after slowly easing his way into this very vague spiritual talk given to a very captive (and shocked) audience, the speaker then started using religious jargon ("evangelism," "I asked God to put her face before my eyes") that must have turned many off. If his talk were able to help turn one unbeliever into a believer (I say able because he never really presented the gospel and so if someone prayed his prayer for Jesus to fill him/her up and change his/her life, I don't think that does it; I say help because I know it isn't a person who causes another to believe), perhaps it would be worth it. It seems to me, though, that the talk did harm, putting believers like me into a state of dismayed awe, and turning off unbelievers and giving them another reason on their list that Christians are wacko fanatics ("We got engaged even though we didn't love each other because God told us to") who shove their beliefs down others' throats.

How deep the Father's love for us
How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory

Behold, the man upon a cross
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom
-Stuart Townend

Peeves, of the pet variety
I was thinking today about the phrase "pet peeve" and how accurate the "pet" part of it really is. A pet is an animal one chooses to own, then nourish, love, and watch grow. We foster the continuation/growth of our peeves when we make them our pets. And when it comes down to it, they are choices. A pet peeve isn't "that there is evil in the world;" a pet peeve is "that some people always use apostrophes in the wrong places" or "that people drive so darn slow on the freeway." So yes, there are annoyances out there in the world, but it is my choice whether I take those peeves on as my pets. Do I foster the growth and continuation of my peeves, or do I allow a spirit of love and understanding to supercede?

Here are some of my pet peeves that I should throw away (or "take to a farm with lots of land where they can run free, play, eat, and sleep all day"):
-grammar/spelling in other people's writing (still may correct it when asked, but it is not something to be annoyed about)
-freeway driving: it's OK if someone is going slow in the left lane; I can pass on the right and avoid thinking anything mean about the other driver
-other people's chronic lack of punctuality (OK, this will be a hard one to throw away, but I know I can certainly improve my attitude toward these people and be understanding about whatever circumstance caused them to be late)

What about you? What pet peeves do you think you can "take to the farm"?

pet peeve
n. Informal
--Something about which one frequently complains; a particular personal vexation.
--A particular or recurring source of irritation, as in My pet peeve is that neighbor's cat running through my herb garden. [Early 1900s]
--n : an opportunity for complaint that is seldom missed; "grammatical mistakes are his pet peeve"

A good friend asked me yesterday how I'm doing. Not as a wife/employee/friend, etc., but personally. How I'm doing personally. How am I doing personally? I realized that I really do define how I'm doing by external things ("How are you doing, Katie?" "Great! Jon and I are doing really well, my job's exciting and wonderful, and I'm having a good time working on the house"). I also realized that that is completely backwards. Ashley put it well when she said basically we should be focusing first on our walk with/faith in God, reading His Word and spending time praying, etc., and then use that as a lens through which to look at the rest of our lives.

I've felt far away from God in the past months (feelings aren't all important, I know, but I just remember much more of a closeness that isn't there now because I'm not spending time reading and praying). It's like everything's going fine and great in my life... I like my life. But how much better would my life be if I were in the Word daily and looking at things through the lens of my faith in Jesus Christ?

I don't like stirring up controversy. And I'm no (academic) theologian. But some Christian doctrines/theologies get me so upset and frustrated and flustered, especially when I think about how many people believe them. It makes my heart ache. And I don't get upset because the beliefs "sound wrong." No, I've read and researched (the Bible and various commentaries by authors on different sides) and prayed, and I know what the beliefs are. I hate arguing about it--no one I've talked to about it has ever changed his/her mind (plus I get flustered and know in my heart what to say but it doesn't come out clearly. Jon's much better at this--keeping a clear head in any situation). I just hate the idea that these beliefs are perpetuated in schools and churches and evangelism.

Introvert/Extrovert
Something I've known about myself for a long time but only recently was able to put into words is the fact that I need to be alone to re-energize. I guess that means I'm an introvert, but I don't know if I understood all of the implications of that word until recently, when some people we know were having a rough time and had to live with us for a while. I'm accustomed to getting home from work around 5:30 and having at least an hour--often more--to myself to veg, read, watch TV, clean, and start thinking about what to make for dinner before Jon gets home. I didn't realize how much I need that, and it took me a little while with these people living with us to realize why I was so down/depressed and tired--no alone time meant no rejuvenation!

Jon is an extrovert and almost always would rather spend time around other people, not alone. I think he tries to understand me in this area, but it must be hard for him since he really can't relate. Thankfully, being with Jon is just the same for me energy-wise as being by myself. I guess that's because I don't feel like I have to constantly make an effort to fill up silences or entertain him or even to put on a happy face if I'm not happy. Thank goodness for my husband.