So sweet

Don't know why, but I'm feeling like carrots for lunch

I actually am more used to the color today, especially as a lot of the fluorescent-ness washed out in the shower this morning.

Mistake

I think I made a hair mistake today. The mistake wasn't deciding to dye it red (which I did, and yes, I'm serious), but I think it was not telling the hairdresser what kind of red I like. As in not carrot. I'm getting used to it, but I think I'll go back to him so he can darken it into the more auburn-y deep color I had imagined but not vocalized.

Lucy's going to end up being pretty tough

Oh, the things that amuse children

Nate loves when one of us chases him with his toy train (you can sort of see Jon with it in the background of this picture).

I thought I would never do it...

It seems exponentially more difficult to get out of the house with two children (not just twice as hard). Lucy doesn't really complicate things all that much (just have to time the nursing), but having a non-talking toddler who doesn't like to hold hands or be led anywhere does. And now I really can't carry Nate into the store or therapy or wherever it is we are going, because I have to carry Lucy in her carseat. Casey and I met at Starbucks today, and though I was able to get from the car to the Starbucks carrying the carseat with one arm and (forcibly) holding Nate's hand with the other, it was difficult. So I'll admit it... I broke down and bought a harness. A child leash. I haven't used it yet, but I probably will. Poor kid. ;)

Poor Lucy caught Nate's cold! She is still able to nurse OK, and she slept pretty well overnight, so it isn't affecting her too terribly. Speaking of sleep, I'm definitely starting to miss my full nights of it! I can't complain too much, though, because Lucy does pretty well.

Adjusting

Things are going pretty well here. Nate is getting more used to his sister and always rubs her head when he gets a chance. :) He has been acting out a little bit less for the past couple of days (or maybe I'm figuring out the warning signs and am getting better at heading him off). Lucy had her two-week well check today and is doing great. She now weighs 7 pounds 8 ounces. She's sitting with her daddy watching the Dodgers right now. :)

Here's Nate today.

Nate's version of the sign for "please"

All by myself

My mom went back home today, and I'm definitely wondering if I can do this mom-of-two thing by myself... Nate has been particularly challenging this past week, as he realizes the new creature in the house isn't leaving and as he gets more and more frustrated not being able to express himself. A couple of his therapists and I talked this week about implementing a picture system for communication (essentially having a board of pictures of different objects like his water cup, favorite video, food, milk, etc., and if he wants one of them he has to go get the picture and bring it to me, then I say the word and immediately get him what he has asked for), and I think that will help a lot with the meltdowns we've been experiencing. I know he wants to be able to communicate, so anything we can do to help him along will be good.

So far, I'm doing wonderfully at mothering two children by myself--it has been three whole hours (and either Nate or Lucy has been asleep the whole time)!

Lucy today

Cute story

When we were in the hospital, Ricci came by to visit and brought her two-and-a-half-year-old, Miles. He looked at Lucy for a few seconds and said, "Babble babble babble polka dots!" Ricci thought he was pointing to Lucy's hat, so she said, "No, those are stripes on the baby's hat." But Miles repeated his sentence about polka dots, this time pointing closer... He was pointing at Lucy's nose and the teeny tiny white dots of her pores. It was so sweet! :)

Nate & Lucy

Lucy is so sweet. She definitely likes to nurse and is a good sleeper. She has had a few consistent awake times each day and then at night, she goes right back to sleep after nursing. She has especially long fingers, hands, and feet--just like her Aunt Lucy! And it looks like she might have the same hairline as her Aunt Lucy, too. At her well check at the doctor's office yesterday, Lucy weighed 6 pounds 9 ounces--her birth weight exactly, which is great. (Nate was still 11 ounces below his birth weight when he was about the same age.) She has jaundice, but it's minor and already looks a bit better today. (Nate had jaundice too.)

Nate is either still sick or has come down with something new. He has a 102-degree fever today and is acting like he feels terrible. Oh, and he is becoming a Daddy's boy. He has only wanted Jon today, not me. This week has altered his perceived reality of "Mama is on this planet for me and me alone." He has been fussy and testy this week (throwing things on the floor, licking the floor, banging objects on the wall, acting like he's going to bite me, etc.!), and I'm giving him lots of extra grace since #1 he doesn't feel good and #2 this whole little sister thing is very upsetting. He has mostly just ignored Lucy, but he doesn't like that she is with me so much. I'm being very laid back with letting him get up on the couch next to me when I'm nursing (not telling him to watch out for the baby or shielding her from him or anything like that), so I think that helps. In the car yesterday, I heard Nate laughing and looked back to see him pulling up and down on Lucy's sleeve/arm (his carseat and hers are right next to each other). She couldn't have cared less, and I was glad to see Nate at least looking at his sister. ;)

I remember feeling very scatterbrained for a while after Nate was born, and I'm feeling that way again this time but maybe not quite as bad. But if my posts make no sense, you know why!

Here are some pictures.

Nate visiting his sister in the hospital (obviously not interested in the baby)


Lucy today

Lucy's birth story--the long version

I woke up Tuesday morning at 4:00 to the baby giving a hard kick, and then I felt my water leak or break--I wasn't sure. I went into the bathroom and decided this was pretty similar to what had happened with Nate--about the same amount of fluid, maybe a bit more. With him, it ended up being a leak that didn't really spur labor, but I knew we should get to the hospital in the next few hours since even a leak meant we'd be having the baby. I didn't have any immediate contractions, and after about 30 minutes, I decided to get back in bed for a while (with towels underneath me) to try to rest a little bit, since this would probably be a long day. The contractions started pretty soon after that, coming about 7 minutes apart but mild enough that I could stay lying down and just breathe through them. When I got back up at 5:30, the contractions were really uncomfortable but still bearable, and they were coming a bit closer together. I went back into the bathroom and found that leaning on the sink and rocking forward and backward made the contractions less painful, and I did this for a while, realizing they were still getting closer together and a lot stronger--fast.

I woke Jon up at 6:00. He hopped in the shower and then heard me groan with the start of a contraction--the first time I'd made any noise. I have never seen him finish a shower faster. He was an adrenaline madman after that, getting dressed, getting Nate up and dressed (even toasting him a waffle), putting the last couple of items on my written list into Nate's packed bag, calling his dad, and packing the car, all while I labored in our room and packed my things (already set aside and/or written on a list) in between contractions, which were coming very fast now--about 3 minutes apart. Somewhere in this time, I called the hospital and let them know we were on our way. I called Jon's sister, Janel, too, since she'd be watching Nate. And I think I called Casey. I couldn't talk during contractions at this point.

We decided to drive straight to the hospital as opposed to Janel's house to drop Nate off; Jon's dad, Ray, was going to meet us at the hospital to get Nate. As we were getting in the car at about 6:45, I told Jon I was scared. Everything was happening so fast and the contractions had gotten so painful so quickly that I wasn't sure we were going to make it to the hospital in time for the epidural (if you are past a certain point--I think around 7 cm dilated--they can't give you the epidural). In my thinking, I had hours left, and if it was going to get worse than this, I couldn't do it. I had several bad contractions in the car while Jon sped the 7 miles to the hospital. We pulled up to the hospital door, and Ray walked up behind us. I stood up out of the car, and suddenly, I had to push! I can't explain the urge except to call it primal; my body was just under so much duress that the way to address it was push.

Ray ran inside the hospital and almost immediately came back out with a nurse and a wheelchair. Sitting in the chair took away the pushing urge somewhat. The nurse took me inside and up the elevator. As the doors opened onto the second floor, I saw an I-mean-business Jon bound up the last step of the stairwell to meet me holding all of our things (bag, cameras--he remembered it all). We pulled up to the nurse's station for me to check in, and I hollered my name at them and said, "I hope I made it in time for the epidural!" I think I was a bit delirious.

We made it into room 287, and the nurse gave me a gown and said she needed a urine sample. I don't think she understood the urgency of the situation. I went into the restroom and promptly had a terrible contraction, and I bent over the tub and made what I'm sure is the universal "I'm pushing" noise. The nurse ran in, yelling, "Don't push! Don't push!" She ushered me, clotheless (me, not her), to the hospital bed, which was surrounded by several other nurses and Jon also telling me not to push. There was no doctor in the room yet. A nurse checked me for about a half second and shouted, "She's complete, plus two!" (This means I was 10 cm dilated and the baby was really far down.) Someone put a gown over me (Jon now tells me he did) while nurse Jaime had me breathing lots of short, fast breaths to try to stop my body from pushing. "Where is Doctor O'Toole?" someone yelled. "I don't know!" "Where is Doctor Han?" "I don't know!" "Page any doctor, stat!" They really did say stat. I had to do the breathing through several contractions while waiting for a doctor, and this was the worst part of the labor. My body was taking control and telling me to do one thing, and I was trying to tell it no. I hated that nurse for not letting me push. I think Jon almost hyperventilated because he was doing the breathing with me. During this time, another nurse tried to fill in some of the paperwork, so she actually expected me to answer such questions as, "Who is the pediatrician? Were you Group B Strep positive or negative? What number baby is this?" I did answer her questions but probably not very nicely.

Finally, Dr. Han arrived. I think she might have had time to put on gloves (wink, wink). I got to push--hallelujah! The nurse had to remind me to hold my breath, because I was yelling out. I pushed for just over one minute (what a crazy feeling), and out came our baby! The doctor held the baby up, moved the cord out of the way, and someone (doctor? nurse? Jon? I don't know) said, "It's a girl!"

It's amazing how quickly I went from feeling so bad to feeling so amazingly good. I laid there while the doctor finished taking care of me (no stitches or anything necessary!) and tried to get over the shock of the last few minutes. I couldn't believe how quickly I had gone from very bearable contractions (4:30 a.m.) to oh-my-goodness-let's-get-to-the-hospital contractions (6:15 a.m.) to I-might-have-this-baby-in-the-car contractions (6:50 a.m.) to pushing (7:05 a.m.) to baby (7:12 a.m.)! They brought our little Lucy to me, and I held my precious daughter for the first time. :)

Going home

We're going home from the hospital today. We would have been ready to go home yesterday, but I guess it's standard to stay two nights, and we didn't mind the extra night. My mom stayed at the hospital with me, and Jon went home to rest in something other than a two-foot wide, rock-hard, plastic-covered pull-out chair. Lucy did very well and is eating great, and I got several hours of sleep (woo hoo).

Nate came by with Grammy yesterday to see his sister. He couldn't have cared less about that little baby (except when I held her, and even then he was easily distracted). It was nice to see my little boy; I missed him. (Sad side story: although he was fine on Sunday and Sunday night, Nate got really sick--throw-up sick--at his aunt Janel's house on Monday, and he was still under the weather yesterday. It was hard on Monday being in the hospital with Lucy knowing that Nate was feeling bad... I felt terrible for Janel too, who has her own two kids and now was cleaning up after Nate. Anyway, I think he's doing a bit better now.)

I'm interested to see how the transition to home goes. It's easy to sit and nurse for 30 undistracted minutes in the hospital every two or three hours, but we'll see how that happens in the real world!

P.S. I bought a custom diaper bag on eBay yesterday. It isn't the same one I pictured in the post below, because I found some other ones that include a name embroidered on the bag. Here's the one I got (but of course with my precious Lucy's name!):

Announcing...

Lucy Janel Varela

Born Tuesday, April 2, at 7:12 a.m.
6 pounds, 9 ounces
20 inches long



I'm posting from our hospital room, where we had quite a morning! I can't wait to relay the labor/birth story--it was exciting and ended perfectly with our sweet little girl.

I'm an eBay addict

How cute is this diaper bag? There are a bunch of handmade bags on eBay I could use as diaper bags. I've been browsing ones made with fabrics I like (this one has Amy Butler fabrics). I'm really tempted to bid on this one but I will have to wait to see if I have a girl!



Edit: I found some even cuter bags, too--ones I can have custom embroidered with the baby's name. Oh I can barely wait! I've been having some contractions tonight (Sunday) for a couple of hours, but they are pretty far apart and not very painful, so it's probably nothing.

God's hand

Most of what I post--in general and specifically about Nate and his development--is factual, practical, things I'm working through in my head. One of the main reasons for that is this blog is mainly for the benefit of family and friends who don't live close by, and they like to stay informed about what's going on with us. I don't do a lot of relating what's going on in our everyday lives to their spiritual implications. In general, I'm not that kind of thinker I guess. But I do definitely think about and see God's hand working in our circumstances, specifically the things we've been learning about Nate.

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether...

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well...
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them." (Psalm 139:1-4, 13-16)

God intimately understands every fleeting thought I have. He knows me fully. To me, that is comfort. I don't have to be able to explain how I'm feeling in words; He knows and cares. And he knows Nate fully, knows him and formed him just this way. Nate is fearfully and wonderfully made--he is marvelous. Nate has a grand purpose in life, one that God has already written out. I get excited thinking about the man of God I pray Nate one day will be.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). When I am in the Word and praying consistently, humbly asking the Holy Spirit to work through me, nothing in my life is too difficult. My view of our circumstances changes from "Poor me; how am I going to overcome this?" to a calmer "Thank you, God, for walking with me through this and giving me Your strength."

And God is stretching me. Becoming a mother has been one of the most rewarding and most difficult things that has happened to me, opening my eyes to my weaknesses and selfishness but also to my strengths and ability to love. Through Nate having autism, I know God is going to grow me in areas I still struggle: worrying too much about what others think, having too much pride in and placing too much importance on my children's accomplishments/intelligence/"impressiveness", being too impatient.

I am so thankful for our son. I think we are in a difficult stage in his development right now, especially as far as communication goes, but I also read about and see other kids and parents whose hardships are so much more profound. We really do have it easy. We have a foundation in God that allows us to see a much bigger picture. We have a son who is visibly attached to us, is generally easy to care for, and is fun to be with. Our family has a bright future!

No news

Baby is still hanging on tight with barely any contractions. OH! But I'm pretty positive we did settle on a boy name, so I'm not so worried about whether it's a boy or girl now.

Still here

I've been having some contractions, but nothing regular yet. As of my appointment yesterday, I am 3 cm dilated--yay for progress! C'mon baby, we want to meet you!

Book

On the recommendation of the doctors last week at Nate's appointment, I ordered a specific book on autism. I like it after just the first page of the introduction:

"There are few things in life scarier than having a child diagnosed with any kind of special need, and autism is one of the scariest disabilities, because the diagnosis tells you nothing about a child's prognosis. No one can honestly say to you, 'We know exactly what your child will be like when he's twenty.'

People will, however, feel free to comment on the diagnosis in every way, most of them unhelpful. You'll hear things like 'They're crazy, he's just a late talker,' [heard it], 'My cousin's brother's kid had autism, and they changed his diet and he was cured,' [heard it], and 'Oh, my god, are you going to put him in an institution?' [haven't heard it] You'll start reading articles and combing the Internet for helpful information, and you'll find that there are a lot of conflicting opinions out there--some people swear by certain approaches, others by completely different ones, and some even believe a kid with autism should just be left alone, since 'he'll be whatever he's going to be, and nothing you do will make any difference.'

Now, that's where they're wrong.... Everything you do will make a difference" (p. xiii).

The book is written by a physician and a parent of a child with autism and seems like it covers a lot of practical information, with chapters organized by symptom. They write, "We chose to focus on one symptom at a time for a very simple reason: every child with autism is different and needs a different intervention plan. This plan needs to be based on that specific child's needs and the symptoms being exhibited, not on some general idea of how a kid with autism behaves" (p. xv). I like this, because Nate seems to strongly exhibit some symptoms while barely having others.

Anyway, all this to say I'm encouraged and am still working through everything in my head. :)